The most part of the journey so far was to make sure he doesn’t notice how bad I’m struggling to catch my breath as we are so talkative and the trail so steep. He, on the other hand, was so laid-back, walking as if the backpack he was carrying was lightweight as a feather. ‘Come on, you perfectly know he does that on an everyday life basis, stop comparing’ was I trying to tell myself. ‘Chin up, you’re okay’.
I’d swear Drew tries to look into my soul every time his eyes meet mine. And maybe he manages to do it this time because he tells me out of nowhere: “So, I wasn’t expecting you to handle this so well…”. I don’t know how to take it. “What do you mean?” I dare to respond. “I don’t know, I just… Well, I know you don’t do that every day… I mean, don’t get me wrong, you look very athletic…”, he says that, assessing my whole body moving his arms in a clumsy manner, as to show what he meant. I watch him struggling without showing any type of reaction; but then, I crack a laugh that he evidently didn’t expect, seeing the surprise in his face. He then joins me in my amused mood, and we laugh together for the first time today. It actually makes me relax a little bit. “It’s just agreeable to walk the same pace, that’s all”, he finally says. I smile at him with my deepest sincerity, and he smiles back the same way. “Thank you”.
While thanking him, I really want to tell him that he makes me feel so comfortable. We did get used to giving each other words of appreciation in our different types of communication. But I prefer keeping it for me, for now. Though I suddenly remember something he told me in one of his letters. “[…] Then, I’ll tell you the story of the Drew who discovered a dark side of himself”. It made me curious right away the day I received that letter, and I have been patiently waiting to have him alone, all for myself, to hear that story. “So, I was thinking… would you tell me…” I can’t precise my intention because I fear to be too intrusive, I just hope he understands with his usual foresight what I mean.
Ever since we met, it’s like we have this superpower of perceptiveness, activated only with each other, on one another, at certain times. He told me in the beginning how admirative he was of me for seeing so clearly in his head, so fast; but I never told him that he actually does the same thing on me. Normally, when people assume things about me, it’s often wrong. How can he be so close to what I feel, if not exactly what I’m living, only expressed with words I wouldn’t have put together myself this way? He actually has this tendency to finish my phrases or to see the hidden messages between the lines, and I always just go with it like it’s normal. The reality is different though, I’ve barely seen a man understand subtility in my whole life. So, no, it was definitely not trite. Although I can’t tell him – by fear of him thinking I am madly in love or something; true or not, I do not wish that – I do believe I don’t have to, because I have a way of making him feel my validation somehow.
Anyhow, he doesn’t seem to have any doubt in his mind right now. The fire in his eyes darkened a bit and he lowered his gaze for a short moment. I end up saying: “you don’t have to if…”. Of course. He already knew that. It’s how we operate: no judging and no obligation.
After a few minutes of inner silent reflection on his part, he points out a rock and suggest sitting there for a while. Good idea for my lungs and heart burning inside my chest. I take advantage of this first time out in two hours to take deep breaths and welcome the sun into my face by tilting it upward. Drew looks for the most appropriate spot to lay down his backpack I got him for his birthday this month before even considering taking a sit. I can see how much care he puts into it; he wants to preserve it as much as possible and I find this rather flattering. He told me once that he wanted this bag eventually; so, I got the exact item and customized it by sewing a piece of the kind of check shirt he loves to wear, on the front. Thus apparently, I have good taste in gifts, or good insight; either way, he seems already attached to it. Well, now I’m suddenly hoping that the bag makes him think of me when I’m gone… I’m sometimes amazed by the swiftness of my mind. It is obviously not the time to be self-centred. I shake my head lightly to get rid of all those intrusive thoughts. And I don’t know what sort of devil got me to do this, but I softly lay my hand on his. I guess, to encourage him.
It’s his turn to take a deep breath now, preparing to finally let me read yet another page of his life…
Wilaukee S.